Session Confessions.
This session is now in progress.
“I think I have trust issues?”
I hear this quite a bit in my clinic. It’s uttered as a question, not a statement. I hear it in different contexts. It quite often exits the mouths of young adults who find themselves wanting a partner but unsuccessful in finding someone, or they’re yo-yoing in and out of relationships. They’re not quite sure of themselves. They can’t quite put their finger on the issue they’re facing in relationships, but that something doesn’t feel right. The impact is that they shut down the prospect of a relationship shortly after meeting someone or they avoid relationships all together.
How does someone know whether it’s actually a lack of trust that seems to be a psychological vulnerability vs trusting the message our body is sending us, in that we are actually unsafe?
“What makes you think that?” I ask.
“Well I just feel really nervous when I’m around this person”
“Well I feel as though something bad will happen?”
First, I often explore with clients the presence of RED FLAGS in the person they’re currently dating / getting to know or are in a relationship with. If my client really can’t identify any RED FLAGS (abusive or controlling) behaviours or any other serious value conflicts or serious pragmatic reason (They live in Antarctica and you’re not prepared to move there) then yeah, you might have trust issues.
Trust forms the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, yet for many, it's a fragile element, easily shaken by past experiences, insecurities, or emotional wounds. Whether rooted in past betrayals, unmet core needs for safety or boundaries in childhood or adolescence, trust issues can profoundly impact our connections with others, shaping how we approach intimacy and the depth of our emotional bonds.
Unravelling Trust Issues
Trust issues often stem from various sources, each influencing our ability to trust and be trusted. We actually can be perceived as less trustworthy ourselves by partners or friends, because our distrust makes our behaviour unpredictable, our assumptions become askew. Past betrayals, whether from romantic partners, friends, or family, can cast a shadow over future relationships. It might be the remnants of a broken promise, infidelity, or emotional neglect that linger in our minds, making it hard to open up fully again. One of the common statements I hear all gendered clients state is why arn’t there any good (insert other gender) out there? The truth is there are so many genuinely lovely people out there, but trust issues can and do get in the way of you seeing the ‘good’ person right in front of you. This isn’t a blog about ignoring real RED FLAG type behaviours, definitely run for the hills when you see them, but if they are not there look inside yourself, talk to your level-headed friends, not friends or family who have their own trust issues to deal with, as your anxieties will happily collude together.
Personal insecurities and vulnerabilities play a significant role. Past traumas, low self-esteem, or a fear of abandonment can act as barriers, preventing us from fully embracing trust in relationships. These internal struggles become filters through which we perceive others' actions, sometimes leading to misinterpretations or a heightened sense of distrust.
Impact on Relationships
Trust issues manifest in various ways within relationships. It might result in constant suspicion, always questioning a partner's motives or fidelity. Some individuals withdraw emotionally, creating walls to protect themselves from potential hurt. Others might adopt controlling behaviours, seeking to manage situations to avoid being vulnerable. Even when we have no actual evidence to support our anxious feelings. This is made worse when we interpret these feelings as ‘gut instinct or intuition’, and look I’m a big believer in both gut instinct and intuition. Gut instinct and intuition play a more significant role informing you whether you click with someone or not. When we’re assessing whether someone is right for us and you want to think you’re giving the person a decent chance, stay in your head as much as possible in the beginning, then let other organs get involved in helping you decide.
These patterns of behaviour put a strain on relationships and one’s own sense of wellbeing. They erode intimacy and create misunderstandings, and breed insecurity on both sides. The lack of trust becomes a barrier to genuine connection, hindering the growth and depth of the relationship.
Healing Trust Issues
Overcoming trust issues is a journey that requires self-reflection, communication, and patience. Acknowledging the roots of these issues is an important first step. Understanding how past experiences or personal insecurities influence our perceptions allows us to address them consciously.
Seeking professional help, such as therapy or counselling, can be immensely beneficial. A trained therapist provides guidance, tools, and a supportive environment to navigate trust issues effectively. Therapy helps uncover deeper-rooted issues, offers coping mechanisms, and assists in developing healthier relationship patterns.
Closing Thoughts
Trust issues in relationships are complex and multifaceted, often rooted in past experiences and personal vulnerabilities. Addressing these issues requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to healing. With mutual effort, honest communication, and a willingness to grow, individuals and couples can overcome trust issues, fostering deeper connections and healthier relationships.
Remember, the journey toward trust is a process, not an endpoint. It's a path of self-discovery, emotional healing, and relational growth that, when navigated with care and commitment, can lead to profound transformation and more fulfilling relationships.